In a thriving relationship, the concept of the emotional bank account is one of the most vital yet often overlooked elements. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned researcher in relationship health, uses this metaphor to describe the state of trust and connection in a partnership. Just as you deposit and withdraw money from a financial account, your interactions with your partner either add to or deplete this emotional reservoir. The goal? Keep it rich with deposits, so your relationship can weather the inevitable storms of life.
Let’s dive into what it means to build up your emotional bank account and practical strategies to start making deposits today.
What Is the Emotional Bank Account?
At its core, the emotional bank account reflects the level of trust and goodwill between you and your partner. Small, consistent acts of kindness, respect, and thoughtfulness act as deposits, while negative interactions, neglect, or broken promises act as withdrawals.
A healthy emotional bank account helps couples navigate disagreements and setbacks with resilience. When the account is well-funded, occasional missteps are less likely to lead to major conflict because the relationship is buffered by a strong foundation of positivity and trust.
Conversely, a depleted account leaves couples vulnerable to chronic stress, escalating arguments, and emotional distance.
What Does a Deposit Look Like?
Deposits are all about turning toward your partner in ways that strengthen your bond. Here are some examples:
Small Acts of Appreciation
A heartfelt “thank you” for something they did.
Leaving a sticky note with a loving message on their morning coffee.
Active Listening
Putting down your phone and truly engaging when they share about their day.
Validating their feelings instead of jumping to problem-solving.
Prioritizing Time Together
Planning a date night or even a cozy evening on the couch, free of distractions.
Scheduling regular check-ins to connect about your relationship.
Repairing Quickly After Conflict
Apologizing sincerely when you’ve hurt their feelings.
Acknowledging their perspective, even if you don’t fully agree.
Acts of Service
Running an errand they’ve been dreading.
Taking over a chore to give them extra rest or free time.
Physical Affection
Holding their hand, giving a hug, or offering an impromptu kiss.
Sitting close during a quiet moment.
What About Withdrawals?
Just as small, consistent deposits can build your account, seemingly minor negative behaviors can drain it over time:
Criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling during conflict.
Neglecting to respond to bids for attention (e.g., ignoring a playful joke or brushing off a comment).
Failing to follow through on promises or commitments.
These withdrawals chip away at trust and connection, making it harder to weather future disagreements.
How to Build a Wealthy Emotional Bank Account
The good news is that even if your emotional bank account is running low, it’s never too late to start replenishing it. Here are some strategies based on Gottman’s research:
1. Practice the Magic Ratio
Gottman’s research shows that happy couples maintain a ratio of 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction. Focus on increasing those small, positive moments.
2. Respond to Bids for Connection
Every time your partner reaches out—whether they’re sharing a funny meme, asking for help, or venting about their day—they’re making a bid for your attention. Turning toward these bids, even in small ways, is a powerful deposit.
3. Build Rituals of Connection
Establish habits that help you stay connected, such as:
Morning check-ins before the day gets busy.
Evening gratitude sharing before bed.
A weekly date or activity you both enjoy.
4. Prioritize Repair
After a conflict, make it a priority to repair. This involves acknowledging hurt feelings, offering sincere apologies, and reaffirming your commitment to the relationship.
5. Express Fondness and Admiration
Consistently express what you love and appreciate about your partner. It could be as simple as, “I love how you always make me laugh,” or “I appreciate how thoughtful you are with our family.”
Why Does It Matter?
A rich emotional bank account isn’t just about preventing conflict—it’s about creating a relationship that feels joyful, safe, and deeply connected. When couples prioritize these deposits, they build a strong foundation that allows them to face life’s challenges together with resilience and love.
Take the First Step
Think about one deposit you can make into your emotional bank account today. Maybe it’s an unexpected compliment, a warm hug, or simply sitting down to share your partner’s favorite meal. These small moments might seem inconsequential, but over time, they compound into a flourishing relationship.
As a Gottman-trained therapist, I’ve seen firsthand how these practices transform relationships. If you’d like to learn more about strengthening your emotional bank account or need support navigating challenges, feel free to reach out for a consultation. Together, we can help your relationship thrive.
Your connection is worth every deposit. Make an investment today.
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